10 Myths About Sex and Virginity- Debunked

Yesterday, I had the privilege and honor of speaking at the Rethinking Virginity Conference at Harvard University. The conference was organized by Lena Chen and the Harvard Queer Students’ Association, and brought together an incredibly diverse and impressive group of feminists, who dropped some serious knowledge on all things virgin-themed. One of the most interesting parts of the panel was learning how much misinformation exists around issues of virginity, sex, and our bodies.  I’ve compiled ten myths uncovered- and debunked- at yesterday’s conference:

Myth #1: The hymen is THE definitive marker of virginity. There is no one physical trait that indicates virginity or sexual activity- not even the presence of a “hymen.” I put hymen in quotes because I’ve come to learn that it is really a nebulous entity. At yesterday’s conference, Professor Kathleen Kelly of Northeastern University discussed the history of the hymen and highlighted the way our understanding of the hymen has become misinformed. As she puts it:

“What we recognize as the hymen today was not always considered as such….If we trace the etymology of the word hymen from Greek through Latin to English, we can observe how the word progressively narrows in meaning, first denoting any sort of bodily membrane, then referring to the womb, and finally coming to mean almost exclusively “virginal membrane” in the early modern period. ..The hymen is an overdetermined, widely misunderstood sign precisely because it has never been a fixed part of anatomy…the hymen is both an anatomical part and a metonym.”

So the idea that there is some magical vaginal barrier that only virgins have is oversimplified at best. In part for this reason, back in December, a Swedish sexual rights group renamed the hymen the “vaginal corona.”

Myth #2: Valuing virginity protects girls and women. In fact, valuing virginity puts girls and women at risk of violence, abuse, and assault by members of a society that believes a woman’s worth lies in her sexual behavior. As I discussed on my panel, “Virginity: A Historical and Cultural Primter,” violations of girls’ and women’s sexual and reproductive rights and health occur every day in the name of preserving and protecting girls’ virginity, delaying sexual activity, or controlling the circumstances under which girls and women lose their virginity. From forced child marriage, female genital cutting, and breast ironing to slut-shaming to the deliberate withholding of information on reproductive and sexual health, the emphasis on preserving virginity has pernicious consequences for girls in the West and beyond. I can do without that kind of “protection” thanks very much.

Myth #3: Queer sex doesn’t “count”. As the panelists yesterday pointed out, heterosexual vaginal intercourse is often privileged above other sexual acts because of its association with reproduction (and because of good old-fashioned heteronormativity and homophobia), and so people often rely on a problematic concept of “virginity” that can exclude, marginalize, and ignore the experiences of queer folk. But yesterday’s panelists noted that it’s important for us to create and reinforce alternatives to this heteronormative penetration-focused view of virginity and how it’s “lost”. What about a female-bodied person whose sexuality does not involve being penetrated? Are her sexual experiences somehow less valid? Part of rethinking virginity has to include incorporating a more nuanced and more queer-friendly concept of sex and virginity that doesn’t serve to devalue the experience of any person or group of people.

Myth #4: You can only “lose it” once. This myth is false on a number of levels. First of all, the term “losing your virginity” is problematic, as it suggests that something is inherently  lost as a result of sex and therefore engages in slut shaming. Secondly, many people find the idea that you can only experience something new once to be limiting and/or oppressive. The concept of having multiple virginities was thrown around a lot yesterday- some found this concept useful and meaningful, some less so. The idea is that there’s a first time for lots of things, not just penetrative vaginal intercourse, thus, we all have multiple virginities to lose over the course of our sexual lifetimes as we take part in new sexual experiences that are meaningful to us. I find this concept useful because it’s not specific to one particular kind of behavior, and emphasizes sexuality as an ongoing journey rather than an all-or-nothing situation in which you’re either completely abstinent or fully sexually active. It also seems to make more room for queer folks whose sexuality includes being attracted to more than one sex or gender, as well as trans people who may have had sex before transitioning as one gender, but have yet to experience sex as another gender, and anyone else who has had what they define as sex in the past but feels for some reason they now approach the same activity from a new mindset or attitude.

Myth #5: Sex within marriage is the “healthiest” kind. Unfortunately, a marriage license isn’t a magical key to a “healthy” and pleasurable sex life. In fact, sex within marriage is not even always consensual, and sadly, rape occurs within the institution of marriage every day. Remaining a virgin until marriage doesn’t guarantee a “healthy” sex life any more than having sex before marriage does.

Myth #6: There’s one universal definition of sex. This one’s also false. In fact, when about 50 conference participants sat down to define sex for themselves, about 50 different definitions were created. Some people thought oral sex should be considered sex, and some people didn’t. Some people thought the context of the situation determined whether or not it was sex- for example, if proper consent was obtained for a certain act (Some survivors of forced first intercourse consider themselves to still be virgins because rape is violence, not a sex act). Others took into consideration whether or not the partners had intended to “go further” but were interrupted for some reason. Some common factors that folks seemed to take into account when deciding whether something “counts” as sex or not:
-when and how consent was obtained
-number of partners
-existence of orgasm and/or ejaculation
-length of time engaged in activity
-intentions of the people involved
Perhaps most importantly, we established that even though there are many different ideas of what “sex” is, my definition of sex and your definition of sex can coexist simultaneously. One doesn’t invalidate the other.

Myth #7: Slut-shaming plays an important social role by discouraging “risky” behavior. Slut-shaming (as opposed to educating and empowering by providing comprehensive sexuality education) doesn’t discourage risky behavior or encourage healthy sex, it simply perpetuates a culture of shame, fear, and silence around sex and sexuality that has very real and dangerous ramifications for everyone, not just girls and women. Also, it’s important to note that while feminists have talked a lot about the harmful nature of slut-shaming, virgin shaming can be just as harmful, and is something we need to actively discourage as well.

Myth #8: Teens should learn that sex is dangerous so they won’t put themselves at risk for unwanted pregnancy and/or STIs. This myth is so pervasive that the United States government has bought into it: all federally funded sex ed is currently obligated by law to teach that sex before marriage will do psychological, physical, and emotional harm. This argument is often grounded in pseudo scientific studies about oxytocin that claim the release of oxytocin makes casual sex emotionally difficult for women. Sex educator Meagara Bell put it quite well yesterday when she said, “The oxytocin [myth] is an absurd pseudoscientific rationale for a moral stance.” Why are we traumatizing the next generation with misinformation and scare tactics? Let’s stop policing people’s sexualities and start educating them to make informed decisions about their bodies and their lives.

Myth #9: Teens don’t want to talk about sex with their parents. As the ever-sharp Shelby Knox pointed out, surveys consistently show that teens would prefer to receive sexuality education from their parents. And when you don’t have a community that supports you, no amount of sex ed in the world will suffice.

Myth #10: There is no such thing as sex-positive abstinence. This myth is sometimes even found in feminist circles when people assume that abstinence can’t be taught as part of a comprehensive sexuality curriculum. This is false. When included as part of a comprehensive and factually accurate program, abstinence can and should be taught as an excellent method of birth control and STI prevention, as well as a valid and legitimate choice for sexual beings of any age. In fact, this is a crucial part of any sex positive curriculum.The unfortunate prevalence of this myth is indicative of a much greater need for inclusivity and sex positivity in sexuality education: now that we know that our ideas and experiences about sex and virginity aren’t as simple as they seem, sexuality education programs really need to catch up and become more inclusive of a fluid range of experiences, sexualities, and attitudes about sex.



17 responses to “10 Myths About Sex and Virginity- Debunked

    1. Did someone also speak on people who ignore how complex, personal and artificially constructed the word 'virginity' is to different people even when confronted with several examples?

  1. Wow, I think this is great! I am a firm believer in educating kids and adults a like about sex, in all it's various forms. I had my eldest step-daughter come back to me years later saying that she had really appreciated me talking on this subject. In the end she said the point she said that really stuck with her, was when I said, that sex could be either the most wonderful thing, or the most horrible thing that happened to you. And that I wanted her sexual experiences to wonderful, and how they would be so was making sure it she was the one in control of what was happening, by it being her choice, her being ready and prepared, and desiring what was happening. We did discuss rape, and this segment is not including that part of the discussion, as that is something so horribly, completely not your choice, or in your ability to control.

  2. thanks so much for this. the book "The Purity Myth" is problematic in some ways (primarily its POV is very privileged) but this distills a lot of what its about and why i encourage people to read it. there's so much wrong with virginity/purity as a concept and it hurts so many people. i pushed me into a depression that almost killed me in college and still affects me many years later. those concepts were so deeply engrained in my subconscious that find myself still having gut reactions that are slut-shaming, etc, toward girls and women who don't follow "the rules" as set forth by our society.

  3. Thanks for that last one about abstinence. I'm very sexually active, but I feel very strongly that each person has to make their own choices, and abstinence is a perfectly valid choice. I am understandably concerned for people who choose abstinence simply because they've been told it's the only choice, but I would be concerned about them making any choice if they are not aware of all the facts.

  4. I really like #3 – as a predominantly lesbian woman married to a man, I really like the idea of validating queer sexual / romantic experience. Looking back on my own adolescence, I can now identify and put names to some of my first sexual forays for which, at the time, I had no labels. Also, the last one – about abstinence; very important.

    As an educator I find this page a useful resource. Thanks.

  5. Great debate. It reminds me the feminist sexuality education model addressed to everyone interested in sex, health, pleasure and freedom we have done for all these decades in Brazil. With all the myths associated to the sexuality of the "tropics" (hipper-liberated-available-easy women; sensuous licenciosity and much more….) the challenges are even bigger, for in fact (and paradoxically); there is a strong expectation of society toward girls concerning their virginity before marriage. Double messages, double standards, double morality. Yes, we still have to deal with that. Thanks for the article.

  6. This is really informative. And I love the information. It seems like most sex education these days is either all abstinence education or it’s very vague information.

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